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“If I lost all of my
abilities except for one, I would choose to keep the skill of communication,
for by it I could regain all the rest.” Daniel Webster
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In the United States,
communication training has long been regarded as a “soft” skill, unlike hard
skills like operating a computer or other technical training.
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I disagree. Communication is
a “core” skill, because upon a solid foundation of communication, the leader
builds everything else.
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Effective communication in
business follows a process to ensure success.
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For some people, it just
seems to happen successfully, almost by luck.
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My friends in Ireland may
call this, “the gift of gab.” For most of us, understanding the communication
process and making that process fit the situation and our culture, is a sure
bet.
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So today, let us focus on
being “consciously competent” in communication.
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The first step in this
process is to focus upon the person that you talk to most. Who do you talk to
most? Your spouse? No. The people at work? No. Your family? Your best
friend? Ahh! We’re getting closer.
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The person that you talk to
most is…you! You talk to yourself silently constantly and sometimes we even
talk out loud to ourselves. Or at least I do.
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I am so glad that cell phones
are so popular because if I forget and talk out loud to myself, people just
think I am on my cell phone.
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Now that we admit that we
talk to ourselves most, what are we saying?
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Think back to early this
morning. What was the first thing you said to yourself? Was it positive or
negative.
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When you look in a mirror,
what do you say to yourself? Be honest! Do you say something like, “Now
there is an energetic, intelligent woman who is looking great and is going to
make a difference is someone’s life today!”
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Or are you more likely to
say, “This outfit makes me look fat and the stress of yesterday is showing on
my face.”
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We are what we say! I
remember early in my career, I was at an afternoon business meeting listening,
and engaging people in conversation.
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I felt so good about myself.
Then at the break, while I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and
saw to my horror that I had a piece of spinach caught between my teeth.
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Returning to the meeting,
minus the vegetable, I was very quiet. What happened? When I thought I was
good, I was. When I thought I was stupid, I became so.
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This first step in the
communication process is to talk to yourself positively before each important
meeting.
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Make affirmations that are
first person (I), present tense (happening now) and positive, such as: “I am
prepared.” “I am focused.” “I think quickly during the meeting.”
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As you make each affirmation,
visualize it actually happening in your mind. Scientists call this Visual
Motor Practice.
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Studies of the brain using
MRI reveal that when we imagine doing something while involving our senses of
sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste, that which we imagine is recorded as a
memory in our brain.
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Let’s get some practice.
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While you are sitting
comfortable, please close your eyes now. Take a deep breath and exhale
slowly. Imagine yourself at a business meeting where you are sitting at a
large conference table.
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Feel the chair beneath you
and notice the smooth texture of the table as you touch it with your hands.
Hear the people talking in the room before the meeting begins. Look around
and see the pictures on the wall. Notice the colors in the room.
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They are serving refreshments
and you can smell the beverage and the sweet delicacies. Take a bite and
taste the flavor. Now, the meeting begins and feel your confidence grow.
Hear someone ask you a question. Hear your voice as you respond. See the
other faces nodding in approval at your remark. Feel the excitement. When
you are ready, open your eyes and return to this room.
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I am going to ask you some
questions. If your answer is yes, please clap your hands once like this
(demonstrates.) How many of you were able to see objects such as the table or
picture? How many of you were able to see color? How many of you could hear
noises or voices? How many of you could small the food or drink? How many of
you could taste it? How many of you could feel the texture of the desk or
chair?
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If you replied “yes” to at
least one of these questions, your brain has just recorded that you were at a
meeting today and you participated positively. If you do this every day, when
you actually go into a meeting, your right hemisphere of your brain, which
controls attitude, body language, and voice will say, “Oh, another meeting? I
am successful at these every day.”
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Remember, step one in the
communication process is to speak and visualize positively to you.
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The second step in the
communication process is to listen before you talk. Listening makes you
smarter. You go to the meeting already knowing what you know and already
knowing what your opinions are.
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If you talk first, you are at
a disadvantage. By listening first, you now know what the others think and
know. Now you can customize what you say to meet the need. We have two ears
and one mouth; if we would use them in that proportion, we would be more
successful.
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At some meetings and
conversations, it is easy to be the listener because someone is there who is
ready to talk. Other times, especially in small meetings, you may need to get
the person started talking.
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Come prepared with very open
questions that will allow them to talk for a longer period of time.
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Stay away from closed or very
tightly focused questions because they evoke short answers and you do not get
to learn as much. Here is an example in my culture. If you ask, "Do you
think this is a good idea?” the person will simply tell you “yes” or “no”. If
you ask, “What do you think of this idea?” you will get more information.
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You will also get credit for
involving people in the discussion. Most people like to participate and to
feel included.
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The woman who asks the
questions, controls the conversation. Do not try to control people, rather,
control what they are talking about.
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Instead of offering a
suggestion that may be ignored, I can get you to come up with the idea. I
have written down something that I would like to see done. Let’s see if I can
get you to come up with the idea without me telling you what to do.
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For instance, let’s say that
we are in a room that is very dull. I ask, “What would make this room more
lively and cheerful?” You may answer we could redecorate it. I ask, “How can
we get the room cheerful without spending a lot of money?” You may respond,
“We could paint it yellow.”
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I can ask, “What other color
is cheerful and will not fade as quickly?” You may suggest that we paint it
red.” “Paint the room red” is what I have written on my piece of paper.
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During this second step of
listening, also listen to the voices. When people get excited, either very
happy or angry, their voices change. Men get louder. Women speak in a higher
pitch. Both genders speak faster when they are excited.
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By listening to the voice,
you can know how the others feel about a topic even if their words do not tell
you.
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Of course, others may be
listening to your voice also. Speaking in a lower pitch can increase how
seriously people take you.
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Let’s find the voice that is
best for you. Sit comfortably and exhale, allowing a relaxed sigh to escape
through your mouth. It may sound like this, “Ahhh.” Try it. (Wait for
response.) This is your natural pitch. Another way to find it is to say
“uh-huh” very relaxed.
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I am going to ask you some
questions, and I want you to answer out loud saying, “uh-huh.” Is today
Monday? Are we in Cairo? Do you hear how relaxed and deep your voice
sounds?
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Now, try this. Place your
three fingers together (Beverly demonstrates) and place the pad of the middle
finger on the bone in your throat, the thyroid bone.) Now, answer another
question saying “un-huh” and feel the vibration on your middle finger: Are
the lights turned on? Did you feel the vibration?
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Now turn to the person
sitting next to you. Keep your fingers on your throat and say, “I am so
excited about this summit!” Did you feel the vibration move up to your index
or top finger? If you can feel the difference, other people can hear the
difference.
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Some times it is fine to
sound excited. Other times, it is best to be taken more seriously. When that
is the case, keep your voice at your natural pitch and use pauses to slow your
speech. Here is an example: Do not say, “I want to talk to you.” Rather,
say it with a lower pitch and slower rate, “I want to talk to you.” Practice
saying it right now.
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Also listen with your eyes.
This is very helpful when you are in a meeting. People jerk when they are
upset. This is because the body is under stress and we are designed to take
action when we are stressed.
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The heart starts beating 5
times faster and the blood is pumped to our arms and legs in order for us to
run or fight the stress. Sitting in a meeting, we do not run or fight, yet
the body will move quickly, or jerk. When you see this, know that the person
is upset, even if their words do not tell you.
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Whenever I am at a meeting, I
watch the other people. By doing this, I know who agrees with the speaker,
who is bored, and who objects. This information is very helpful.
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The third and final step in
the process to communicate effectively is to respond. When you choose to
talk, make sure that you are including information, not merely your opinion.
Information is easy to identify because it contains facts or descriptions.
Opinions are your interpretations of the facts.
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Your opinion will likely not
change another person’s opinion, but your facts may indeed cause them to
change their mind. Make sure you include facts that tell who, what, when,
where, or how. If someone asks you for your opinion, give it. Otherwise,
give the facts and let the other person change their own mind.
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Instead of saying, “This will
not work”, give information by saying, “We have done this for the last 2 years
without success. What will be different this time to make it work?"
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Make sure you contribute to
every meeting by speaking up, however do not speak too often. People become
frustrated with the person who always has something to say. Do not waste
everyone’s time merely saying that you agree with someone. Add new
information or ask a question when you contribute.
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When you are giving a
presentation and you are the only one talking, make sure your communication is
clear. Organize what you will say before you speak.
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If you are using overheads or
PowerPoint for visuals, make sure everyone can read the words. Keep the
visual uncluttered. Only 6 lines per slide is recommended. If your slide is
wordy, people will be reading the slide instead of listening to you.
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People can read at 500 words
a minute, and most people talk at 150-175 words a minute. This means that
your audience will be done reading before you are finished talking and now you
are just noise and they want you to hurry up and get through.
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Make your visuals compliment
what you are saying, not compete with what you are saying.
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The effective communication
process is to speak and visualize positively with yourself, listen before you
talk, and think before you speak. Building your communication skills can be
the most significant skill that you develop.
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As Mr. Webster said, it is
the foundation from which you build all other skills.
