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Global Summit
of Women 2007 Remarks Generally speaking, everyone is uncomfortable with negotiations until they learn some guidelines and practical techniques that give them the confidence to get in the game. The following resources are particularly helpful: Gender Talk Works by Connie Glaser Pitch Like a Girl by Ronna Lichtenberg A Woman’s Guide to Successful Negotiating by Lee Miller and Jessica Miller
The truth is that there are differences in the way men and women are made that affect the way we negotiate. Of course not all men are exactly the same any more than all women are the same. We become unique individuals as the result of our culture, our caregivers, our training, and our experiences. But understanding the way we are all made will help you recognize some opportunities for advantage and compensate for tendencies that could be less effective. The part of the brain that controls speech and language is 30% larger in women’s brains than in men’s which means we are likely to use more words than they do to convey our points. In fact, studies show that women use 6,000 to 8,000 words per day, and men use only 2,000 to 4,000 words per day. ADVANTAGE: Women may be more comfortable asking well-prepared questions to learn as much as possible about the players in the negotiations and their positions, including developing and leveraging a network of contacts for information about previous negotiations and agreements. DISADVANTAGE: Women may overwhelm listener with too many words and may be uncomfortable with silence, particularly when the best thing to do is say “no” firmly and then be quiet. She who speaks first after a period of silence usually loses.
In women, there are millions of connectors between the part of the brain that controls speech and language and the part of the brain that deals with emotions. Men have 30% fewer connecting fibers between those parts of their brain. Studies have shown that this biological difference does not impact men’s ability to experience emotions, and in fact, their feelings and emotions are as strong as those of women. What it can mean, however, is that men are better at hiding their emotions and separating them from the decision-making process, and that they can more easily forget perceived slights, or at least not allow them to get in the way of ultimate success in the negation.
Moreover, studies at Yale University and the Indiana School of Medicine of brain images of men and women while performing tasks or listening to text being read reveal that only one side of the man’s brain is engaged during these activities, while both sides of woman’s brains are engaged. Images of the brains of women and men at rest show that the woman’s brain continues to constantly process information (90% of her brain continues to show activity), even while at rest, but the man’s brain can actually rest (only 30% of his brain shows activity). This supports the conclusion that women are more likely to be better multi-taskers which can be an advantage in negotiations allowing you to simultaneously work on multiple issues, particularly in your mind as you think while he is talking or silent. Keep in mind, though, that these differences make him more comfortable with silence, and silence can be a very effective tool in negotiations.
Studies have also shown that women have higher levels of a chemical called oxytocin in their brain which makes us feel more connected to others. It also makes us more likely to take rejection of our position or request as though it were a rejection of us personally. At the University College in London, brain images of both women and men showed brain activity in the part of the brain that controls empathy if the person suffering was someone likeable. Only women felt empathy for the suffering of unlikeable people.
Our natural tendency to feel more connected to people can be an advantage in negotiations, helping us build the relationships that are necessary for success. If we are not aware of it, and particularly aware that men are not as likely to be as concerned about the relationship, we can sacrifice too much of our desired result in the interest of maintaining the relationship.
We must also be aware that this tendency to feel more connected to people and more empathetic to their situation makes us particularly vulnerable to being concerned about what people think of us. That can make it more difficult to negotiate when we are negotiating for ourselves rather than on behalf of our company or someone else. When negotiating for yourself at work, remember that you are more respected and valued if you are perceived as a strong negotiator, because your company expects you to be strong and effective when negotiating for them. How can they have that confidence if you don’t show them you have the skills?
With your boss, always be able to state your most recent accomplishments in a few sentences with the data to support their value, and express your proposal in terms of what it accomplishes for her---how does your proposal or request solve a problem she cares about or accomplish an objective on which her compensation is based? And always answer her “no” with an invitation to reconsider at a specific time upon completion of specific criteria. For example, “I understand you do not support my request for a raise today; I will look forward to discussing this again in six months when I have exceeded the objectives we discussed.”
Men show greater brain activity in the part of the brain that controls revenge, and their higher levels of testosterone cause them to be more competitive, to need power, and to perceive challenges. Be aware of this when you are developing a starting position for negotiations. Because they need to win, you need to start high (even unreasonably high) and be prepared to make many moves before reaching a deal so that they can feel they’ve achieved a great win. You should also have many points on which you are prepared to concede early so that you let him think he has the momentum going in his favor before you get to the negotiations of points you care the most about.
After 30 years of statistical studies of students taking the Legal Negotiations courses at George Washington University, Professor Charles Carver reports that there is no statistically significant difference between the results obtained by the female students and those obtained by the male students. Being aware of the biological and sociological research and how you can use your unique tendencies to your advantage should give you more confidence. Knowing and practicing specific techniques will also help you feel prepared and comfortable.
One simple and effective technique is to answer with a sentence that begins with a “yes” until you get to your walk-away position, but add your conditions after the “yes.” For example, you are asked to meet certain goals within a certain timeframe, and you respond by saying, “Yes, I can absolutely meet those goals on that timetable if I have the budget I’ve requested.” Your response indicates a willingness to work together to reach a mutually satisfactory solution which is always preferable to a compromise that requires both sides to give something up. The result may be the same, but the process to get there leaves the parties feeling better about the relationship. Remember, though, that this only works if you have a firm grasp on you walk-away position, and are already prepared to move forward with your best alternative if you have to.
When you get to the walk-away position, walk away. Say “no” firmly and clearly, without any qualifiers or apology phrases. Understand that skilled negotiators see “no” as an opportunity to ask “why” and will likely continue the negotiation, perhaps later after they have prepared a response to address the “why.” Particularly in an internal work setting, as opposed to dealing with customers or suppliers, people respect and value those who effectively say “no” more than those who always agree. Keep in mind that your facial expressions must match your tone and your words. Studies show that women smile twice as much as men, which is great when trying to project warmth and convey confidence but sends a mixed message when your words are saying “no” but your smiling face is saying “maybe”.
While we’re on the subject of body language, remember that as much as 60% of our understanding of communication can come from body language, so be conscious of yours. Ask for feedback on this from trusted colleagues and mentors. Participate in a workshop or set up your own to videotape yourself in a mock negotiation in order to see how you communicate with your body. Do you tilt your head slightly when listening to someone else? That can be perceived by some men as an indication that you are submissive or indecisive, particularly if you couch your positions with qualifying or apologizing phrases like “you know” or “I believe” or “I think” or “you’ve probably already thought of this, but…” or “here is my position, don’t you agree?” or “I may be wrong, but” or “may I ask a question?” In negotiations, it’s better to be wrong and honestly concede when corrected than it is to ever be perceived as in doubt.
Always be sure you are filling as much space as possible. 80% of volunteers in a study equated use of space with intelligence, confidence, and power. Don’t keep your posture rigid and your arms pressed tightly at your sides. Lean forward when making a point, relax your arms on the sides of your chair, hold your hands in a tent rather than in your lap, put your elbows on the table from time to time, shift positions, use gestures sparingly for effect rather than distractingly as though you are nervously conducting an orchestra. |
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